If you're in a band and you think it's a good idea to record a Christmas song, you're probably in a terrible band. Or are high. There are already some great renditions of our holiday favorites out there, and they're going to be ubiquitous for the next few weeks, playing out of every car radio and muzak loudspeaker you come across. And you were just going to add some distorted guitar, and lush up on the vocal delivery, weren't you? Here are a couple of the worst molestations of Christmas songs, in no particular order, because if we fail to remember the past, we are doomed to repeat it.

The Waitresses' 1981 version of this song was a new wave gem. The white rap verses are, to be sure, atrocious, but there's something charming about Patty Donahue that redeems not only the song, but also sort of excuses similar early era mistakes like “Wordy Rappinghood” and “Rapture.” However, The Donnas' cover strips this song of its charm, and the only thing I can empirically say about it is that, well, they added distorted guitars.

Opt instead for: The Waitresses' original

Talk about lushing up the delivery: this My Chemical Romance cover is so over the top, you're going to want to start cutting. Or, if you were already into MCR, you're going to want to stop. Also present: distorted guitars.

Opt instead for: Mariah Carey's version, but make sure your bros aren't around

I don't really have anything against Collective Soul, and I'm probably going to rage to “Shine” as soon as I finish writing this, but I can't wrap my head around their cover of “Blue Christmas.” It's like they're going for a kinda Bow Wow Wow sound, but why? And again: distorted guitars.

Opt instead for: Elvis, hands down, or maybe even the Bright Eyes version

When something is bad, it's not always bad, and when it comes to doing things shoddily and impetuously, the rambunctious 90s indie outfit Cap'n Jazz were kings. The cover of “Winter Wonderland” they contributed to a punk Christmas 2x7” in 1993 is sloppy and unrehearsed, and I mean that in the best way possible.

Opt instead for: No, this version is actually pretty good

Again, this cover isn't necessarily bad in the bad way. And as always, Ernest is just trying to do his best, and has such a big heart, you know? He doesn't know the actual words, so he just sings the first line over and over, but it's kinda better that way.

Opt instead for: Just do this to every Christmas song. Your life will get better immediately.

The End. PS. Here is my Christmas present for you: