Fleshy Mounds are a rookie Buffalo punk band with enough songs for a six- or seven-minute set. The four-piece features newcomers Jamie "Les' Cousin" Claypoole (I think) on bass and Melissa [inaudible] on guitar; first-time-drummer, long-time-punk Kathy [something] sits behind the kit; and local punk rock legend Steve Curefiend (?) (formerly of Sonorous Gale, Robot has Warewolf Hand, and The Control, among others) writhing and howling his way through a pretty good David Yow impersonation.*
Their guitarist plays out of a dual stack of 10-watt practice amps. Sort of as a joke, sort of an "I don't give a fuck," sort of a, "hey, this is my first time playing guitar in a band."
Jamie likes sunflowers. And Abe Lincoln.
Kathy's - nice?
Fleshy Mounds played their first show September 1 at the Glitterbox with Aaron and the Burrs and Black X.
I interviewed them back in August. I was supposed to post that interview on buffaBLOG, but I didn't. After that, I didn't write a show preview, and I didn't cover the show that night. I did end up writing a real nice resignation letter to buffaBLOG editor/enforcer Mac, which he promptly tore up and spit on, then told me, in so many words, that I appeared to be in good dental health and, from then on, the integrity of my dentition would be tied directly to the quality of my Fleshy Mounds submission.
Looking back over my interview notes, all I could make of my drunken chicken scratch were three digits of a phone number and "let's fuck." The rest was gibberish. But - no worries - I recorded the whole thing!
Unfortunately, I don't remember chucking my voice recorder in a fish bowl buried in mud, all of which was submerged in quicksand, but it sounded a lot like that.
I'm screwed. And so, instead of letting the experience go to waste, I thought I'd offer any aspiring journalists in the audience some advice. Don't do what I did, and you won't find yourselves with a long-blown deadline and an very angry, very violent editor who refuses to take "what do you want, for free?" for an answer.
Here are five don'ts to remember if you want to keep that pretty mouth of yours.
Above: Mac (artist's impression)
1. Don't dick around on the Internet, watch porn, drink beer, and play video games
Just add "smoke weed" to the list, and you've got yourself a PSA.
The Ad Council doesn't give a damn if you're a useless, porn-hungry drunk screaming racist slurs at a young child who just blew your ass up with a pretend grenade over XBox live. That stuff is cool. That stuff is legal.
Go ahead - spend the night on Buzzfeed, clicking through yet more inane, numbered lists of shit you remember as a child of the '90s (not that there's anything wrong with list-based entertainment...), because tomorrow's another day.
Feel free to drink yourself into oblivion - war is hell you know, and it'll ease the pain of mowing down yet another screaming gaggle of Ay-rabs on Call of Duty. Not only that, it'll erase the memory of that bizarre crush-porn you found after new-tabbing over from "35 Popples You Forgot About Until Just Now" and discovered yourself in a very weird corner of the Internet.
Anyone remember that Stile Project video (SFW) with the tiny guy and the morbidly obese lady's bellybutton?
Me either.
Are you a drooling, bigotted, flag-humping, thumbless alco- and porno-holic with no job and no marketable skills because you've spent all your time playing racist war simulations and getting Doritos dust on your junk while watching diapered adults pop balloons with their stillettoes? That's cool.
That stuff is fine. That stuff is legal. The Ad Council doesn't care.
As long as you're not smoking weed.
Because if you're smoking weed, this definitely happens:
Sarah smoked weed. Now Sarah is flat. Fuck you, Sarah. You coulda been somebody.
I don't smoke marijuana cigarettes. Not me. Never. But I do have my vices.
Which is why Fleshy Mounds never got the press I promised them.
I should have posted their article two weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had vidya games to play, beer to drink, RedTube to surf. I'm a busy man.
Speaking of which, PornHub just released an interactive map of the top three porn search terms by state. Check it out!
Oh, and GTA V releases in a couple of weeks - better read up on the latest rumors, despite the fact that I've preordered the shit out of that game and I'll get to see everything in it for myself in a matter of days! What's that? I can play golf in the middle of my larceny-and-murder sim? Yes, please! AND I can buy car insurance? I hate doing that in real life, but in a video game?! Look out, rival gang members! Outta my way, prostitutes! I've got fantasy-bills to pay!
Wait, what were we talking about?
Above: Satan's minions (artist's impression)
2. Don't turn a local band interview into a piece of groundbreaking journalism
Oh yeah.
After failing to deliver this article the first time, I knew it couldn't just be an interview. No problem - Fleshy Mounds had a show coming up: it'll be a preview and an interview. Great!
But after another missed deadline - and then another - I knew it had to be bigger than that. Shit, Mac is gonna kill me - it's got to be THE BEST FUCKING BAND PROFILE EVER WRITTEN!
This isn't about Fleshy Mounds anymore. This isn't just a local punk band so new they don't even have a Facebook page, let alone a demo. No - this interview will go down in history as a timeless piece of journalism, one of those great, rare conversational exchanges that alters the modern world in some fundamental way.
They're Malcom X now. And I'm not just some schlub on a local music blog - I'm Alex fucking Haley, telling it like it is and profiling a whole social movement in the process. I'm Dan Rather; they're Saddam Hussein, and it's just days before the 2003 Iraq invasion. They're Nixon; I'm Frost.
Yeah, that's it! There's a lot riding on this one. And if I don't get it in on time, the home audience will never know that the bassist of Fleshy Mounds has mentioned Abraham Lincoln as her greatest influence, or that the drummer thinks accordions are the shit ever since she bought one from a German dude named Werner ("Vuhh-nuhh") in Manhattan's Chinatown. Important stuff!
And now that I've raised the stakes so high that I can't possibly live up to my own expectations, the whole thing will be that much easier to write, edit, and publish to enlighten the readers of the world!
Right?
I mean, this stuff is so heady and so important, it writes itself!
Right?
About that...
Fleshy Mounds: The next Malcolm X?
3. Don't spend the entire interview talking about your mutual acquaintances while drinking all the beer ever
Did you know the drummer's landlord used to be in Plates? And that everyone in Fleshy Mounds knows the guy who runs Feral Kid Records, though I've never met him, despite seeing Biff play in various bands throughout the years?
You do now!
Fun fact: the women of Fleshy Mounds are part of a group calling themselves the West Side Gash Crew, which counts members of fellow Buffalo indie/punk band Cross Stitch among its ranks. Emma LaQue, who plays bass for Cross Stitch, dressed up as a rabid frozen treat in Mallwalkers' Future Shock video. Which of the two frozen treats appearing in the video was she? I have no idea. I don't know Emma. But I do like Cross Stitch and Mallwalkers a lot!
What a craaaaazy coincidence!
There's an angle for this story, I know there is. But it took a wrong turn somewhere around What Punk Bands Do You Like Avenue; Hey, Check Out My Homemade Bea Arthur Backpatch Street; and the second gallon of beer. I'm still waiting for this story to find its way home, and, last I heard, it was bumming cigarettes off some dude with a mustache in front of the Essex St. Pub, two pitchers and a twelve-pack deep, ranting about the Dewey Decimal system or some such.
In journalism circles, we call it "interview juice"
4. Don't stay awake drinking until 6 a.m. on the day your post is due - again
When a friend says he's having a Labor Day barbecue and could you please come over to help him eat ten pounds of pulled pork, I don't care how delicious that pig sounds, don't do it.
And when the two of you have drunk you way through one case of beer, don't offer to run to the store for another twelver because, in your mind, the night is still young, and you've still got plenty of time to drink and write.
You don't.
And when the sun comes up and you realize you've just spent the past 14 hours drinking Genny, eating barbecue, and complaining about what a rut your life is in, don't just fall asleep on the couch.
In drinking circles, we call it "hangover juice"
5. Don't go to Wing Fest directly after that
After you've had three or four hours of beauty rest, don't wake up, slink home, and splash some cold water on your face.
And definitely don't get dressed, pop a piece of gum in your face in a futile effort to hide your paint-curdling breath, then head to Wing Fest.
I know it's only once a year that all the best wing joints from Buffalo and beyond shovel deep-friend chicken wings from a communal trough and slather them in hot sauce under the unblinking hell-sphere that is the late summer sun.
But you're dehydrated.
You've only got one shoe.
Your keys are missing and you've got half a wallet covered in dog bite marks and what looks like - and, hmm, tastes...yes, definitely tastes like - barbecue sauce. Wing Fest comes every year. You'll go next time.
You've got an article to write, you idiot.
Be gentle, Mac. Be gentle.
*UPDATE: After re-reading this dreck, I realized I should actually name the people in the band: Melissa Monahan plays guitar from of the biggest stack in Buffalo; Jamie Claypoole is on bass (no relation to Les Claypool), and she really does love Lincoln; Kathy Doran smashes drums and saves lives; Steve "Robert Smith" Curefiend sings songs and ruins homes.
I also want to thank Fleshy Mounds for the interview and the opportunity to cover their first show, though I'm sorry I couldn't see you guys tear it up during your debut. The actual reasons for the poor coverage are much more boring than the ones I've offered above, so we'll stick with what's written. Please keep making rock and roll, dudes! And, if I'm still invited, I've got the next show covered.
You're a dick and you're not funny. Do your work or get out of the game.
oh anonymous haha
Haha! That means boobs.
boobs
I think we can all agree: boobs.
Alot of Buffablog posts to me seem very self involved with the author. Would love to see some that try to engage the reader with the topic at hand with straightforward descriptions and opinions of music and bands happening in the city. I get that that wasn't the point of this post and did find parts of this article funny. Particularly the points about over thinking the local band interview. I do also appreciate the wide array and continuous coverage of music that happens on Buffablog. However I wish there was more of a balance between the haphazard manner in which a lot of the posts are done and a more thoughtful earnest attempt at writing about music.
Lincoln. Fuck that. Buffalo has Fillmore and Garfield. Represent, yo.
No Fillmore = no Allman Bros.
No Garfield = no lasagna eating cat.
Fleshy Mounds have some cool snarls. Man, look how they snarl. Just look. That's some snarling. Real snarling. I'd check them out on snarl alone.
Anonymous two posts above this one:
Thanks for reading, and thanks for the thoughtful response.
This piece was supposed to be more fun than anything, and I think there's a place for that (and it sounds like you agree). But the main focus of the blog is, indeed, music as it pertains to Buffalo.
Obviously, without an audience, we wouldn't have a blog. So your thoughts would be very helpful in keeping our readers informed and engaged.
Can you be more specific about what you'd like to see on the blog? Are you more interested in record/show reviews/previews/announcements and more objective/"journalistic" band profiles? What else?
This article is a waste of the readers time, your time and the band's time. Instead writing this incredibly long, asinine article you could have, maybe, gotten in touch with one or all of the band members again and gotten some actual information (their musical backgrounds, the idea behind the band, what they SOUND like etc.) instead of writing dribble. Because honestly, I think the final product is probably worse then if you hadn't done a write up about "them" at all. I am embarrassed for my friends and I know they are too.
What I'd like to see from this blog is some quality writing about the bands/shows around town, not twelve paragraphs about why you didn't do what you were supposed to or your new shoes or that time you went to a party somewhere.
holy cowe! constructive feedback from anonymous, jeez didn't expect that, normally that guy is a real grade-a asshole. hope mac offers that guy a editer position
also: boobs.
why so snarky? this person is making a point. they might be a touch harsh but they're still making a point. People reading this blog want the people writing the posts to up the ante with the quality of writing. There is a great opportunity to represent, showcase and critique the music being made here in Buffalo. I don't think most of the people reading the posts really know the writers. So when someone writes a critique of an album and it sounds like they might not know exactly what they're trying to say or that maybe their base knowledge of whatever music they're writing about might be lacking it reflects poorly on the credibility of the blog. In my opinion some of the writing on this blog comes off as amateurish(which is fine) but there is an attempt to pass itself off as having a certain expertise. Why should we trust your opinions when the respect hasn't been earned? Because the blog looks sharp and you're the only game in town? That being said, I think the service being provided by buffablog is very admirable and needed and as I said three comments prior, the wide array of the coverage is great and shouldn't be overlooked. And I assume that no one is making any money from this situation and so I shouldn't be overly critical with my expectations and judgments of some of the stuff on the site. But that should be even more reason not to pretend you have the chops of great music critic when you very well may not.
I don't think it's overly critical to expect a writer, even a novice who isn't being paid, to edit their content. There is a first draft, word vomit quality to the last few pieces you've written. It's a shame because I think you've got an excellent voice but I have to get out my figurative shovel and dig through a lot of unnecessary words to be able hear it properly.
Jesus christ, this blog is some terrible, amateurish bullshit.
If I was one of the people in that band, I would be super insulted by JG's condescending, narcissistic douchery. Can somebody from the blog finally please take the keyboard away from Josh "I read a Lester Bangs book once" Gordon, and please just stick to posting coherent, informative content about local music? Why should that be so hard? This clown is the absolute worst.