By now, you've probably read dozens of end of the year articles ranking the best albums, or the best songs, or the mot outrageous moments. It gets a little boring. We know what happened this year, and there's no need to rehash it endlessly. That's why I'm here to tell you about all the amazing things that will happen in music next year. Try and look surprised.

- Jay-Z will make his best album in decades. Look, there's no way this guy isn't hungry as fuck right now. Kanye and Beyonce both made records that everyone went nuts over, while Magna Carta Holy Grail seemed to exist only to give Kingdom Come a run for its money the worst Hov album. He's been severely outshined by the two people closest to him, and it's eating him alive. Expect Hov to come back harder than ever, with what will be his best effort since The Black Album.

- Kim Kardashian will release an album produced by Kanye. It's announcement will lead to every music critic to bemoan to death of all that is good and holy about music. However, thanks heavy auto-tune on Kim's voice, and Kanye writing all the lyrics, it will turn out to be one of the better albums of the year.

- Lady Gaga will have a new album out by November as per the oh-crap-my-last-album-bombed-if-I-don't-make-a-new-one-quick-I-might-not-be-famous-anymore rule.

- Justin Timberlake will make a tight album full of 4-minute club bangers while his internal monologue screams IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING BLOODSUCKERS WANT FROM ME??!! The answer will be yes, as it will be hailed as his true "comeback." However, a small but dedicated group of fans will argue for the superiority of the trippy, Prog&B of The 20/20 Experience. I will be one of them.

- Robin Thicke will return to his pre-"Blurred Lines" fame level.

- (Insert white female pop star here) will be accused of appropriating (insert oppressed minority's culture here).

- Bruce Springsteen's new album will get five stars in Rolling Stone

- Bruce Springsteen will take a shit. Rolling Stone will give that five stars, too.

- Mumford & Sons will release a single that everyone who hates Mumford & Sons will agree is pretty good. This will cause to question everything we know about the universe.

- So will Linkin Park.

- Drake will date Jennifer Lawrence, and everyone will agree he has to stop being so sad.

- The guy from Duck Dynasty will record a shitty country album. It will gain absolutely no traction on the country charts whatsoever, but it will spark a lot of columns from writers who want the world to know how much better they are than the guy from Duck Dynasty.

- Morrissey will say something horribly offensive and no one will give two shits because Morrissey.

- R. Kelly and Chris Brown will record an album of duets, and John Mayer will play guitar on three songs. It will be an objectively solid album, but no one would ever think of admitting that out loud. Actually, no one will ever listen to it for fear that they might like it. Actually, all the copies will be locked in a vault like the ending of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.