Look, I'm not going to sit here and pretend I didn't just pre-order Grand Theft Auto V and I don't have other shit on my mind right now. Drake's got a new song called "Wu-Tang Forever" we could be kicking around, but I'm having a hard time going in on the dude when I've got complex murder fantasies playing out in my head. When I can bomb Wheelchair Jimmy in a stolen military fighter jet I might be more open to having that conversation. Drake is the kind of dude that would give your kids the rest of his tickets at the fair so they can go on the bumper cars again. So soft.
Azealia Banks - "Count Contessa"
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this track, which I guess represents a sort of success, because there's no way they put this out expecting anyone to have a good time listening to it. The best thing it has going for it is the beat, and I don't want you to take that as an endorsement. I simply mean that if you ever wanted to hear a usually decent female emcee spit over what sounds like a beat from a level in a Japanese fighting game that they cut during the development process, here you go. It also sounds like there was probably some hardcore vougeing going on behind the scenes, and I'm pretty sure I've seen montage cooking shots on the Food Network playing this exact same track. Azealia is on some Barefoot Contessa shit and, oh my god, the song is called "Count Contessa" and I am only now putting this together. We'll now pause here for a shot of the hardest liquor within arm's reach.
Nelly ft. T.I. - "Rick James"
Nelly has undergone a spectacular transformation from a chart-topping radio success during the early aughts into a man who thinks it's okay to rap like Country Grammar just came out, like, yesterday. You know how some of your friends still make Rick James jokes and you laugh out loud every single time because there's no expiration date on pop culture references? Well, now Nelly is that friend, and he's seemingly built a song around the premise that you probably watched a pretty funny episode of television almost ten years ago.
I don't even know what T.I. is contributing here other than to remind everyone he isn't in federal prison anymore. This song ticks every box on the terrible rap single checklist. Are they in the club? Check. Are they rich? Check. Are they drunk? Check. You'll have to listen to it yourself to find out if they're drinking vodka, Hennessy, or Patron.
Damn it. These two are the worst.
