So, it turns out I'm not that great at turning in assignments, like, sometimes, so the Bros and Bro-ettes here at buffaBLOG decided to let me write a regular “column", where I get to say jokes and swearwords (I hope?). And since my only loves in this miserable, ephemeral existence are Music and Internet Comedy Lists, I decided that I would rundown the Five Coolest Rock Star Deaths in this week's post.

5) Robert Johnson – Faustian Soul Debt

You know the legend of Robert Johnson, the guy who sold his soul to the devil so that he could bring some nasty, crunk swagger to the blues. After macking it to a Mississippi club owner's shorty in 1938, he was poisoned with strychnine-laced whiskey. Johnson spent days in bed, suffering unimaginable pain, before the devil finally came and took back what was owed. But if you look at the evidence – and follow me here, 'cause I've been watching a lot of Law and Order – it was probably the unassuming fan in the front row who seemed innocent enough at first but blah blah blah, clues, blah blah blah, 200-level psychoanalysis, commercial break... Johnson reminded her of the father who abandoned her! Executive Producer: Dick Wolf.

4) Nick Drake – This One Is Just Sad

Nick Drake was like the Elliott Smith of the hippie era; his depressing music is all the more depressing when you know how shit went down. In the early 70s, the jazz-folk singer-songwriter released three poignant records to virtually no audience and then resigned himself to isolation for the last four of his 26 years. In 1974, he was found dead, sprawled naked across his bed, having overdosed on his own anti-depression medications. He opens the John Cale-produced song “Hazey Jane II” with the line, “What will happen in the morning when the world gets so crowded that you can't look out the window in the morning?” and suddenly you want to chow down a ton of MAOIs and Xanax bars, too. There were some bizarre circumstances, though: he committed suicide almost exactly five years after the release of his debut album, Five Leaves Left. What's more, his music lives on today partly because he was championed by actor Heath Ledger, who played Drake in a short film years later. And, cryptically enough, Ledger was found dead, sprawled naked across his bed, having overdosed on his own medications in 2008. It's like a bad Shyamalan film.

3) Randy Rhoads – Flying High Again

A lot of musicians die in bus accidents. And a lot of musicians die in plane crashes. Only one Rock Death Genius managed to f*cking pull off both. Rhoads was the guitarist behind Ozzy Osbourne's brief, early 80's resurgence, and he penned dozens of the most totally excellent guitar licks ever, and then crammed them all into one most totally bodacious song (see below). In 1982, only three years after taking over Tony Iommi's job of “making Ozzy seem like the reason why people listen to Ozzy,” he hopped into a plane for some mid-tour hijinks. The pilot decided it would be most awesome and totally hilarious to swoop down and scare the rest of the dudes in the tour bus below. He got too close, and, well, the results were awesome, but not in the good way, and when you think about it, not all that hilarious.

If you play guitar and you didn't orgasm the first time you heard this, then you don't play guitar.

2) Jay Reatard – Party Monster

On paper, Jay Reatard has one of the most badass deaths in rock history; the official cause of his 2009 demise was “cocaine toxicity.” The gargantuan amount of coke it must have taken to bring down this rampaging monster of hectic, face-punch punk rock was presumably staggering: in the ten years he was active, he performed on about 70 records with a handful of bands. Guy was unstoppable, it seems. There was some controversy around the 29-year-old's passing, however, with rumors that Memphis police were investigating the death as a possible homicide. Whatever. I like to believe that Reatard died while trying to climb Mount Everest. (Don't do drugs, kids.)

1) Mark Sandman (Morphine) – Non-Fat-Person Heart Attack

Legendary low-rock frontman Mark Sandman died of a heart attack in 1999. Typical death, but when you play in a band called Morphine, it sort of eliminates the possibility that your myocardial infarction was the result of too much cholesterol. The cool thing? He died on stage while performing, sort of like Dimebag Darrell, but without all the Dimebag Darrell. Morphine was about to launch into a song when Sandman reportedly told the audience, “It's a beautiful evening and it's great to stay here and I want to dedicate a super-sexy song to you,” before falling over and specifically NOT doing anything super-sexy whatsoever (unless... no, never mind).