Nine years ago, the now defunct music magazine Blender published a list of the 50 Worst Songs of All-Time. It was the kind of thing an up-and-coming publication does in order to achieve a bit of notoriety. Sure enough, the list stirred up a fair bit of controversy, as readers were shocked and outraged over the inclusion of such classics as Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound Of Silence," and The Doors' "The End." Still, almost no one objected to the song chosen for #1, Starship's enormous 1985 hit "We Built This City."
The song is 80s cheese at its finest, as painfully dated synthesizers permeate the atmosphere while Grace Slick rages against the tyranny of.....corporations changing names (I can only assume when AT&T merged with Cingular, it did not sit well with her). But when I first heard it, it didn't strike me as being too much worse than any other corny arena rock hit of the era. More importantly, I figured modern music must have produced dozens of pop songs that were far worse.
Since that list came out in 2004, there have been multiple songs that I claimed the worst ever when I initially heard them. Fergie's "London Bridge," The Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha," and Soulja Boy's "(Crank That) Soulja Boy)" all come to mind, among many others. All of those songs seemed wretched to me upon their release, but while I still don't like any of them, I will admit that with time some of them don't seem so bad. Maybe it's just pop Stockholm Syndrome, but usually, once I get used to a mindless pop song, I rarely have much of a problem with it.
But "We Built This City" on the other hand? That's a terrible song with staying power. After seeming like an ordinary bad song at first, it's true crappiness reveals itself with later listens. It's just amazing how much this song fails in every possible aspect. Every lyric is cringe worthy, and the synths seem like they should have been dated even back in 1985. And the traffic report...god the f%&$ing traffic report....
What really gives the song staying power, though, is that they mean it. When the folks in Starship penned this song, they probably thought they were penning a meaningful ode to both the hippie culture of San Francisco, and the glory days of rock n roll. Instead, they wrote the most ridiculous song ever, mostly because of sincere they were. When the Pussycat Dolls ask if you wish your girlfriend was hot like them, it sounds dumb, but the feeling doesn't stay with you, because it's not trying to be anything other than dumb.
Writing a song that aspires to have meaning, and failing miserably is the easiest way to be part of awful music history. This is also why Creed seems so bad in retrospect. Scott Stapp clearly thought he was speaking through God when he was really just singing a bunch of sappy ballads that make Jesus sound like a groupie he and Kid Rock would pick up. But the fact that he really thought he was onto something meaningful is it what made it all so awful, and so hilarious.
So, while the Blender list had its share of flaws, I applaud them for getting the top spot right. In the nine years since that list published, plenty of wretched songs have graced the airwaves, but none as memorably horrid as "We Built This City." I honestly hope the folks in Starship are proud of their accomplishment; no mainstream act will ever write a worse song, because in the age of irony, no one cares enough to write anything as bad.
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