It happens every year. It used to happen to me, too. Around February or March – when the Bonnaroo lineup is announced – I can count on at least one or two of my friends swearing to go. Sometimes it’s me leading the charge. I remember calling my brother one time, pleading with him to consider going, and his response was as hilarious as it was decisive: “Joe, isn’t it in Tennessee or something?”

So to help you – or to crush your hopes and dreams, I’m not really sure – I’ve come up with a guide for what you can expect to happen if you think you're totally going to Bonnaroo this year.

Stage 1: Reaction to the lineup announcement that you’ve been waiting for since December
Elton John and Kanye West are headlining this year. Sweet mother of fuck, that’s unbelievable. And how are Cake and Slightly Stoopid on the eighth line down? Is Skrillex really playing two sets? The Wild Feathers are the third to last band mentioned? Really? Did you hear their album this year? Jesus Christ, this is the best lineup I have EVER seen.

Stage 2: Send out a feeler on Facebook, letting everyone know your intentions
“Okay. For real. I’m totally going to Bonnaroo this year, and I’m not even kidding. Broken Bells and Cage the Elephant are in the MIDDLE of the lineup, which is just insane. Who’s coming?”

Stage 3: Eager research
The campgrounds look sick. Hanging out around a campfire with a beer and a joint in the middle of a farm in Tennessee at the end of the night sounds like a fucking dream. I don’t know how I feel about there being a 5k run this year at Bonnaroo, and I can all but guarantee I won’t be anywhere near it, but damn it feels good to have that as an option. Oh wow, there’s yoga too? I’m not into yoga, in the slightest, but I’m not above walking by and seeing what’s up, if you know what I’m sayin’. Oh shit, how did I miss Pusha T and ZZ Ward on the lineup? Do you think they know that they both have an album called ‘Til The Casket Drops? Are they going to be playing together on stage or something? That would be sick.

Stage 4: The first episode of having second thoughts after a lukewarm response to your Facebook post
4 likes, no comments. Okay, okay. It’s early. Also, I mean, Vampire Weekend and The Avett Brothers are good…but are they headline-good? I don’t really need to see Elton John; I can just watch Almost Famous again if I want a little taste. And where has Frank Ocean been since Channel Orange? I mean, it was released almost two years ago, and he’s one of the top acts this year? But there’s gonna be food trucks. And I’m sure the crowd and the people everywhere are gonna be awesome. I’m gonna meet so many cool people.

Stage 5: Drunk conversation a few weeks later at a bar with a friend, making tentative plans to go
“Seriously, we need to go. Like I’m not even kidding. I mean we have to. When have we ever done something like this? You still haven’t seen The Flaming Lips live, and I don’t even know how that’s possible. Do you even realize how much fun it will be? I know you said you don’t like Drive-By Truckers, or that you think they are too country or some shit, but I’m TELLING you, you need to see them live. Let’s do it. Let’s just do it. Come on! My brother’s friend has an RV that we might be able to use. Thing is sick, it’s got two beds, a full kitchen, a bathroom. I think he’s even got an old N64 in there. We’ll get someone to drive us – how hard can that be – so we can drink the whole way down. You’re in? Fuck yeah! I’ll talk to my brother tomorrow!”

Stage 6: First hitch in your plans because your brother’s friend’s RV was sold 5 years ago
“Yeah man. I guess that kid sold it a while back. That’s cool though. Isn’t there a place on Niagara Falls Boulevard that rents them? They can’t be that much, can they? You think so? You think they’re that much? I’ll check it out today, I’ll get back to you.”

Stage 7: Second episode of having second thoughts after realizing how much RV’s cost
Wow. This was unexpected. A weekly RV rental is like $1,000 and they get approximately 3 miles to the gallon. I’ll need at least 2 g’s just to get through Pennsylvania. And I’ve never really loved Lionel Richie. I mean he’s a big name and everything but…I guess I’ve just never really identified with him. And he’s one of the big names this year? Is it really that great of a year? Jack White is kind of awesome but he’s also kind of a wildcard. I guess we could fly? Then we gotta buy camping gear down there, or find a hotel and figure out a shuttle plan, and that really becomes a WHOLE thing. How much are the actual tickets anyway? $250 if we get them today? $300 if we have to wait a few weeks to get the money together? Shit, we have to decide kind of soon. Are we really going to do this?

Stage 8: Reluctantly admitting to yourself a month later that it might not happen
I have to go to this wedding in May, the Arctic Monkeys are gonna be coming to Buffalo this year anyway, and I’m sure all of my friends are gonna want to go to Morrissey which is gonna be another $50 right there. And I’m kind of done with Phoenix, in a way. They're never going to replicate Wolfgang. Are they? Maybe they will. But can I really take off that much time from work? Realistically, probably not.

Stage 9: Closure, and looking forward to something else
This is what the Palladia channel is for, right? Watching The Head and the Heart close-up on your 60’ flat screen has to be better than seeing them in person amongst thousands of stupid hippies jostling for position, right? I’m sure the crowd is going to be insufferable. And I love the Tedeschi Trucks Band, but I wouldn’t HATE flipping the channel for just for one second during one of their 20-minute jam sessions. And the Lollapalooza lineup is about to be announced. Yeah. Let’s just go to Lollapalooza this year.